There is a driving desperation inside of me, this need to earn God's favor. The concept of it being unmerited simply doesn't compute. This is going to sound very prideful, but it's almost insulting, the idea that I cannot merit His favor. I've worked so hard to do things the way He asked, to live the life I was supposed to live, to be "making myself ready" as it says in Revelation. My self worth - for better or worse - is attached to how well I've done in following God. It might be wrong, but it is true conceptually for me. I've given so much, sacrificed so much, hurt so deeply for what I believe in. I've done the right, best thing over and over again no matter how much it affected me - how can that amount to nothing? How can others receive by default what I've been asked to strive for?
On the flip side, these rules and commands - this law - it's too much. Too hard, more than I could ever hope to achieve. I desperately need grace. I can't do this in my own strength. I can't "make myself ready" for anything - I need God to lean on, to trust in, to abide in. I have no hope without him; grace is utterly necessary or I am hopeless. When I look at others who are hurting, I understand how important accepting grace can be. I want them to have it (despite my conflicting words above). I want them to know how much they are loved. I know I need it, oh I know I need it. But when it comes to me, I still don't understand how it can be received without earning it.
No wonder I feel stuck and lost.
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